When Love Doesn’t Feel Safe: How Early Relationships Shape Our Confidence and Connection
- Alexandra Weir
- Jun 10
- 4 min read
By Alex Weir, Therapist at VIVA Therapy
Do your relationships leave you feeling small, uncertain, or anxious?
It might be because something essential is missing - not just now, but from long ago.
Human beings are wired for connection. We thrive when we feel seen, safe, and understood. And yet, too many of us find ourselves stuck in relationships - romantic or otherwise - that leave us second-guessing ourselves, walking on eggshells, or wondering if we’re simply “too much.”
It’s no wonder that anxiety and low self-worth often show up hand in hand with unhealthy or toxic relationships. But why do we stay? Why do we struggle to ask for what we need, or to leave what hurts?
The Blueprint We Didn’t Choose
The way we relate to others is often shaped long before we’re old enough to notice it. As children, our earliest relationships form a kind of blueprint: teaching us what love looks like, how safe we are to express our feelings, and whether we’re worthy of support.
When those early experiences include acceptance, empathy, and honesty - what psychologist Carl Rogers called the “core conditions” - we grow up with a sense of inner safety. We feel more able to connect, to trust, and to stand tall in who we are.
But when those ingredients are missing, we can grow up unsure of ourselves - and unsure of others. We might cling too tightly, or push people away. We might end up in relationships that repeat old patterns, even when they hurt.
Let’s explore these three core conditions, and what happens when they’re absent.
🌱 Unconditional Positive Regard: Love Without Strings
To feel truly accepted is to be loved just as we are - even when we’re struggling, even when we mess up.
But if you grew up around criticism, judgement, or praise that came with conditions attached, you may have learned that love has to be earned. That your worth depends on your behaviour, your success, your mood.
In adult relationships, this can show up as needing to please others, hiding your true thoughts, or tolerating unkindness just to feel ‘enough.’
It can also look like being on the receiving end of cruel or undermining comments:
“You’re so sensitive - no one else would put up with you.”
“If you weren’t so clingy, maybe people would stick around.”
These aren’t just harsh words - they chip away at your self-worth. They’re not constructive. They’re corrosive.
🌊 Empathy: Being Felt, Not Fixed
Empathy isn’t about solving problems - it’s about sitting beside someone in theirs.
When someone truly empathises, they don’t jump in with advice or comparisons. They stay curious. They listen without judgement. They let you feel what you feel.
Without empathy, we can be left feeling alone in our emotions, or worse - wrong for having them. You might hear:
“You’re overreacting - it’s not a big deal.”
“Just get over it and move on.”
Comments like these can sound helpful, but they shut down your experience. And over time, you might start to do the same to yourself - brushing off your feelings, telling yourself not to feel so much, or wondering why you're “so dramatic.”
Without empathy, it’s hard to feel safe being vulnerable. And without vulnerability, true connection struggles to grow.
🔍 Congruence: Truth Without Fear
Congruence means being real with others - saying what you mean and showing up honestly.
When someone is congruent, they are in touch with how they feel, and they’re able to express it clearly and kindly.They might say something like, “I understand this might not be what you want to hear, but here’s what’s true for me…”
This kind of openness takes courage. It comes from having a solid sense of who you are. Without it, we might find ourselves agreeing just to avoid conflict, or staying silent when something doesn’t feel right.
We might perform the version of ourselves we think others want, and lose sight of who we actually are.
Breaking the Pattern
It’s not always obvious when a relationship is unhealthy. But if you regularly walk away from interactions feeling flat, invisible, criticised, or drained - something’s not right.
The truth is, we all carry patterns shaped by our past. And if we were raised without the core conditions of UPR, empathy, and congruence, it’s no surprise we find adult relationships confusing or painful.
But here’s the good news: we can learn new ways of being in relationship. We can unpick old beliefs and begin to rebuild our sense of self.
That starts with self-awareness - and often, with therapy.
A Place to Begin Again
Therapy can help you understand how your early relationships shaped you - and how they might still be influencing your choices, your boundaries, and your self-image.
When you feel heard and accepted in therapy, something powerful happens: you begin to hear and accept yourself.
That’s when real change begins.
If this resonated...
If you recognise yourself in these words, if you’re tired of feeling not good enough, or you’re stuck in relationships that make you question your worth, I’d love to help.
Therapy with me is a space where you don’t have to perform, prove, or pretend. Just show up as you are. Get in touch and we’ll take it from there.
Warmly,
Alex
About Me
Hi, I’m Alex — a therapist who works with adults navigating anxiety, low self-worth, and relationship difficulties. I offer online therapy sessions with warmth, honesty, and deep respect for your story. If you’re struggling in your relationships or want to better understand yourself, I’m here to help you move forward with clarity and compassion.
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